This is from the sisters telegram study channel taught by Zaynab El-Kiteb.
Since the teacher asked us some weeks ago to share our changes since we started to take knowledge, I kept thinking and pondering about this, and I found really difficult to explain it, talking about my feelings is something which I always found difficult but I’m changing a lot, even in this… so here is a brief list of changes I made after Allah guided me to, hopping it will be beneficial:
I used to think that the the only way for me to have a better life would be if Allah removes my husband from my life, I thought that I would feel happier because I would marry after him to a salafi man. All this thinkings were just because he is not salafi, he is just a common Muslim not interested on learning and changing. After I started to learn, Allah made me to be aware that He is The Only One Who judges what is better for me and that He decreed this to me because an inmense wisdom and that I was unjust by planning my qadr, so He enabled me to appreciate that my husband is the best husband for me, that no person cares for me like him, even if he commits mistakes like all humans, I highly appreciate now that he doesn’t interfere in my studies like other husbands, that he allows me to wear what pleases Allah, and how many husbands don’t allow this to their wives?, so how come I did prefer that Allah takes him out of my life? I don’t think I will find a husband better than mine and may Allah guide him.
Another change I noticed in my life was that before, acts of worship were hard or heavy for me, even if I prayed rigorously my prayers but I wasn’t feeling eagerness to pray, and I used to delay them and while praying my heart was absent, not concentrated so I didn’t enjoy my prayers and same goes for any act of worship. Now many times (but not always) my heart is concentrated till I can feel tears running on my cheek while praying, I’m eager now to pray and I use not to delay it, now I truly like to pray and I enjoy it. While praying I’m aware that commanding me to pray at least 5 daily times is a result of Ar-Rahim’s mercy. He commanded me to do it and I don’t find through this command except that Al-Wadood loves me so He chooses me to pray and not only this, to pray with a present heart, which is double mercy upon me.
Another of the many changes I noticed is that before I didn’t like to study, I just kept taking a fatwah here, an article there and so on and this is what I based my knowledge on. Now I feel that I need to study seriously, when I am not able to study for some days due to any reason, I feel as if my heart is screaming to me, due to its necessity to study, or maybe it’s crying, I don’t know, there is a feeling Allah Al-Jamil puts in my heart while studying which is not comparable to any of the pleasures of this world and my heart misses this feeling when I don’t study.
Now I’m a new person and I ask Allah to enable me to continue changing and changing till I’m the slave He wants me to be, till I’m able to please Him, and I ask Allah same thing for all my teachers, my friends, my husband and of course any sister who will read my words.
If I was to keep the rest of my life in sujud, for sure I will still not be able to thank Allah all blessings He gave me.
A sister replied to above:
Maa shaa Allah, may Allah continue to guide you and your husband, ameen. Unless he falls into Kufr, be patient with him, he is busy.
I had a similar marriage except, as my Husband became successful, he lost much if his religion and subsequently lost an 8 year marriage. And to this day I look back wondering what more I could have done to influence him instead of losing hope. I advise, try not to confront him much, let some things slide and send him the daleel later… The world of a single Sister hoping for a righteous Salafi Brother is like wanting the rarest of the rare few, swimming amongst sharks. Fi Aman Allah Ukhti.