It has been two years since the day my little brother came to this world. I haven’t been same ever since. When I see him I not only see his early days when he was a baby I also see my transformation in him. His years not only mark his birthday but also is a testimony of my changes. It is scary to look back on the walls of my bedroom and realising they are the witnesses of my sins. The sins that drown me once are the same ones that made me guilty and depressed enough to turn to Allah. My bedroom walls and the carpets of this house are evidences of my past’s existence I can’t run away I have disclosed way too much to them.
And march forth in the way [which leads to] forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as are the heavens and the earth, prepared for al-muttaqoon.[Aal Imraan : 133]
A thing sinners who repent don’t talk about is it isn’t easy to live in a place where you once committed sins. It reminds you, it holds you accountable and it makes you prostrate and drop tears of regret on the hands that you raise towards the Heaven. But they know you are not “she” anymore you are now a slave of Allah who has surrendered. You are you now. The you that you cried for years to become. The you that you still are working on. There was a time I used to hide from my reflection on the mirror because all I could see was my sins on the glass that reflected back my dark soul. I was too afraid to face myself. I couldn’t meet my own eyes on the mirror. Your shadow was still in me. I ran, ran until I fell on my face with my both hands facing the Qiblah. That is when I found what I have been lacking all these years. The Almighty’s Love that made me weep more because I thought I didn’t deserve yet I got it. I didn’t think I was worthy of His love. Therefore I started making myself worthy and began sending huge amounts of gratitude towards my Creator who despite all my heedlessness chose to guide me.May Allah help us get closer to Him. Ameen.
Some find God in the depth of their sins- Anon
Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” [39:53]
[Who say], “Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower. [3:8]
Location-Luthan Hotel & Spa, Al Raed Road, Riyadh, KSA
P.S. Some of my posts on this category “The Slave Speaks” are written in first-person narrative.