When do you decide to draw a line? I have been struggling with it for the past three years since I have started this blog and my public IG account. There are days that I just want to disappear no joke but when I see that my viewers have been coming here for Islamic knowledge and clicking on all those links that lead to salafi websites I just can’t close down this blog knowing that it is a reference for both myself and many of you.
It is a constant struggle with myself. There is a part of me which is extrovert and I am that girl that lecturers notice if I am absent and I am also that girl who is an introvert and would just disappear from everyones lives and wouldn’t reply to messages for days. I am in more than 12 Whatsapp groups and the constant reminders arghh I wish I could switch off my phone but the moment I do I know I am missing out on alot and people need me. I need some time off I need to recharge I want to go back to my closet. I am afraid I am revealing too much or I am just being ”needy” by posting constantly? This is so not me.
I am not the type of person who hangs out with her friends frequently. I am not the type of person who you talk on a daily basis. I am not the type of person who likes sleepovers. I am not the type of person who is open about her life then why am I doing things I don’t like? Who am I trying to please? Have I forgotten myself in order to keep up with everyone in the social world? Have I stopped doing things I like just because I can give time to people? Where am I in all these? I hate it when I feel claustrophobic. I have tried so hard for the past year to keep in touch but for the past one month I am failing. I can’t pick up the phone and dial the numbers to say hello to people I care about because I feel I need space.
Everything is weighing down on me. I can’t keep up with technology and commenting on anyone’s post. I am tired I don’t want to be extrovert I don’t want to ‘lol’ online or I don’t think I need to prove everyone that I am happy by posting about my everyday life or writing long articles or captions that won’t benefit me at all.
I just want to shut down and leave. Just leave. Go off. I am exhausted. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t it is eating me alive. It is tearing me apart everytime I do things for people and it backfires. I want to go back to the girl I was with a book reading in a library; alone having a coffee in a cafe, enjoying everything without taking a photo or even looking at my phone, making notes of all the lectures and everything I learn, cooking and chopping vegetables, sharing the cost of a shirt with a stranger because it says ”Buy one and get one free.” So much can happen if I don’t look at my phone. I am the girl with the book how did I ever end up here in this wide space and publishing my emotions online for the world to know and judge?
All I am trying to say is I need to gooooo……