Growing Up as an Emotional Person: My Most Embarrassing Story

I always felt either too much or nothing at all. Growing up I didn’t know how to have a good balance between things which were okay to be emotional about and things I should should let go. I always kept a diary to record everything. When I was 8 years old, my father snatched my diary while I was writing and he wasn’t too happy about what I wrote and he literally opened his mouth to express his shock and displeasure but I told him “It’s true isn’t it?” I always liked keeping a journal with me.

I had a diary since I could write. Therefore my father would always say “Why don’t you study English language in College?” I don’t like linguistics but I love creative writing. Although I felt when I follow so many rules of a language, it limits my flow of writing. I can’t write with my heart when in my mind, I know “This is incorrect.” I remember something that really touched me is what an author once said “Don’t focus on the grammatical rules because that is what the editor is for.”

Books were my escape. I used to read books in the shower pan because my Dad would be angry about me reading rather than sleeping on time. I would literally sit there and read. I remember when I was 12: my teacher snatched the book I was reading because I wasn’t concentrating in my Mathematics class.

The most embarrassing situation was when I was 9 years old and I had this pink Fulla notepad. I wrote there about a guy who I used to play with at the time and I tore the page 2; I crumbled it and threw it out of the kitchen window. The most unfortunate thing, it remained on the window stool. My father was like “What is that? Let me read that.” And I literally wanted to die of humiliation that day. I don’t exactly remember what I wrote but I remember to this day how it made me feel. I can still feel it. Hence, I would be open with my kids that they really wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me anything. That day I came to realise writing about boys is a bad thing. I was stupid but that kid was rude and abusive. So I guess, I wasn’t that bad after all. I don’t think anything embarrassing that happened after that could beat that incident.

I think 2011 was when I moved to my first digital diary because I could just delete words with a tap. Then I kept a diary for 2012. 2013 is when I lost interest in writing. I started shutting down from everyone and I liked remaining out of everyone’s eyesight. I stopped reading. It was the most devastating year of my life. I hated myself and I was suffering from low self-esteem. I thought I was a plain loser. I would walk with my heads down because I was so ashamed of myself. The world devoured me that year. There were many reasons for it but I don’t have the courage to talk about them. I never liked giving an explanation of anything associated with me.

Looking back, I think the 15 year old managed it well without any wisdom or advice. In 2014 I had my ‘aha moment’, I changed completely and I gave 2015 the best of me. Nothing till now can top that year. I didn’t have any friends that year except the ones online. I was really happy with them and till to this day we keep in touch. The funny thing was when my parents thought I was making them up and they didn’t exist. Guess what? In 2016, I met one of them in real life because I moved closer to her. Sadly in 2017, she moved out of the country. This is Qadr, we accept it wholeheartedly. She was my first friend whose husband I saw in person and later, their child.

In 2017, my one piece of writing got me the third position in a talent competition in my college. I wish one day I can share with you and you would read without any pride or prejudice.

Fast forward 1 year and we are in 2018. I now know how not to let my feelings devour me. I am a stronger woman (although I believe 2012 me was the strongest). I am willing to learn: willing to try new things. I run away from arguments (although I participate in debates).

I would love to know how you have changed as a person over the years. Was there an aha moment in your life? How did you control your emotions as a child?


Is College For Me?

I really pushed myself to write this blog post because I am generally a very anxious person. I have been quite because I didn’t know how to react to so many people visiting this Blog. When I first started blogging, it was an escape from my mundane life. I was really passionate about Islam and I didn’t think the society I was brought up in was accepting and welcoming. I always thought my life is no ones business but soon people started commenting and I felt like when I wrote here, I was truly me. It was then called Blue Spirit Muslim and I later renamed it to S.J Wanders because I wanted it to be personal and someone who you can relate to.

I obviously am in College and that takes up most of my time because studying Early Childhood Education is a lot of work. I honestly wouldn’t do this course if I knew it required me to do practical things. I think I would be good with a book in the library. I am all about books but this field turned out to be something I truly feel passionate about. It wasn’t definitely something that was my goal growing up.

The truth is I never wanted go to College, I was more sort of a work person so I would do a lot of work for people for free and learn at my own pace. I didn’t prefer a rigid schedule or a curriculum that was limiting me to gain knowledge in other areas. However, it did work out for me Alhamdulillah.

Recently I completed a course in First Aid and Nutrition and I thought it was marvelous and I learned a lot that I couldn’t have learn in 3 hours College lectures. I volunteer often which makes me immensely happy because I can help people and meet folks who  I share similar interests with. So I have this mixed views of studying in an institution because there is so much I want to do and I just feel I am not able to because of the coursework and exams. Believe it or not, in 2 years this is the first time I am stress free: taking one day at a time. I really want to do a phD but fun fact I am already exhausted. I get super nervous for the next upcoming semester. I always prepare for the worst so when it happens I am like “Well, I imagined worse than this.”

Anxiety, Stress & Life Hurdles

I just feel horrible because I am unable to meet the standards I have put out for myself and also another reason is it is difficult to do what I would like to do when there are so many other things which need to be done. It is hard to find a balance between the person you would like to be and the person people would like you to be.

I am taking way too much stress which is having an affect on my physical health and also the fact that I can’t maintain a consistent healthy diet. It is on and off. Since November the mental stress has been affecting my body in ways which really has an impact on my daily routine. Stress is fine for me until I see the bad influence it has on my physical health and it really upsets me. I started taking medications but the side effect of the pills was migraine so I stopped. I know alternatives ways to tackle these issues but I can’t seem to find the right time.

My battle with coffee started back in October when I bought a Vietnamese cold coffee and I started feeling really anxious but I kept drinking it. It turns out I got an anxiety attack from the coffee. As a result I tried drinking all types of coffee and the moment I took one sip my heart would pound harder and there  was no question of taking a second sip. I tried americano, latte, cappuccino, 3 in 1 coffee and nothing made a difference. I was extremely saddened by it and I discovered that only Arabic cardamom coffee  (qahwa) of this specific brand doesn’t trigger my anxiety which made me happy.

However, it has been around 8 months since I stopped having raw sugar like with any drinks that I make for myself. So I don’t buy sugar and use it in my cooking. My doctor advised me to stop taking dairy, fried food, sugary drinks (sodas) and also fruit juices. I tried doing that for a week and it made a tremendous positive difference in my health. Then I gave up on the diet because I thought I had eaten these non restricted food all my life so my body can deal with it. You know these food are not new for my digestive system yet I was wrong. I have stopped having cereal yet I do eat butter, cheese and other dairy products.

It is like battling with myself and I feel so good when I am maintaining a healthy diet yet when I cheat once ; I tend to continue cheating and we go back to square one.

If there is any person who is maintaining a strict diet, I would really appreciate your advice.

Fear of Moving On, Uncertainty & Love

I have overstated my abilities so now I have due work and I just started about two hours ago and I am already having neck pain from sitting down and typing. I shouldn’t have delayed my work nor underestimated the designing work. I am not sure if I will be able to meet the deadline because there is too much to be done and I have other stuff to do. Worst part my lecturer said she expects a lot from my group. I am seriously Taboleh Pakau now. Tomorrow is a big day then I have got an event on Wednesday. That reminds me I have to wake up today at 5 am.

I had a lot of good stuff to say today but I have been hit by stress now. Tomorrow I  will sit with my group mate for 3 hours if she isn’t late to finish their part. I wish everyone knew me as this unreliable and lazy person then they wouldn’t depend on me to get their work done. I wish I was careless and absent minded.

We got our last Academic calendar before we part ways. Everything about 2018 calendar is nostalgic. I will write about it soon and my current favourite people. Thinking about next year always makes me melancholic and crave for all the past moments but we have another year to make memories; our last moments together. I always liked leaving places and things but this upcoming year is awfully depressing due to the fact that I will never get to meet these people after we bid farewell unless I or they make an effort to visit each other. The travelling is expensive Oh this is pure sadness. These people are the ones with whom I share my educational philosophies and goals. We have a countdown though 365 days until I leave this place. I am so familiar with the roads and transportation here. I even know my way around the fifth largest mall in Asia.

New place means starting all over again and forming new relationships. It is really sad. I hate to move on or to even think that I have to make an effort to know the new people in my life. My heart will be broken again and again before I find the right people. I will have to learn about the new environment and locality and which train to take and the cheapest and the less time consuming route to my house from malls, supermarkets, field visits, clinics and restaurants.

Sorry I wanted to be positive but how can I when my heart is attached to these people? Why do I have to leave and why do they have to leave? For the better.

The heart is grieving and the eyes are sad but we shall be hopeful that distance doesn’t become a wall between our souls. I shall pray that I don’t forget my effort in building such caring and helpful relationships and I shall pray that when I am hurt I can remember there were people in my life who were extremely kind to me once. Alhamdulillah for everything.

Long Time No See

I know I have been MIA from personal posts and it has been almost 3 months since I deactivated my IG. I don’t think I am going back anytime soon but here I am almost was about to get a panic attack because I lost my beach pictures. The real beach not the Jeddah one; the kind of beach you see on TV. The blue ones with sand, the breeze and banana boats. Alhamdulillah my friend’s sister kept them.

I have been really off from my public accounts because I am giving the outside world more time I guess and lots of Whatsapp texting. Apparently I just had my first Whatsapp video call last night and he liked me at first sight. My friend was like he is reluctant to talk to people he doesn’t know but he was genuinely playing peekabo with me. It was hilarious coz I didn’t know in India they say ”Ta” instead of ”Peekabo” so I was playing that with him on video chat. He was like ”Ta.” He can say where Allaah is and make sounds of cat, dogs and cows. He is one year and 3 months old.

Bonding with two babies under two in one day. Talk about being an Early Childhood Teacher. The other baby I bonded was a girl. She is eight months old and her temperament is slow to warm up so my trick was to just make a few mouth sounds and she was mine. Oh yeah she took my phone as well but her Mom made her give back to me. Such an obedient child. She was laughing towards me but I didn’t carry her because I wanted to give her some time to soften up to me. I was a stranger after all whose eyes were only visible.

I went to my first tournament here. Sports is just a waste of time unless it is horse back riding, swimming and archery. But mine was none of them. Believe me I got really invested in the game when the professionals were playing and I was defensive about my team. Oh yeah, there were a bunch of children under 4 years old playing with their jersey and we were all watching them. I bet their parents thought we were weird but one of the Moms made her son greet us. He was shy and cute. May Allaah bless all these children.

My friend got me a really cute and small notebook from her trip to Japan. I am thinking of giving it to Mr. Y. If you have read my IG posts back in June, you would be familiar with Mr. Y. Last time he insisted I give him piggy back rides. When the guy you like asks from you something, you give it to him. If I talk about being professional educator I cannot gift Mr. Y knowing that his friends will also want and that would be biasness from my end. When you have to choose between love and right; not my favorite thing to do. I think I will just keep it for myself, it is the first time someone gifted a materialistic thing here other than food.

Mr. Y really brightens up my day but to meet him I have to ask for official permission. He does make this world a better place to live for me and all the people he touched his tiny heart with.

Mr. Y, I don’t know when we will have our last meeting and when they will stop me from meeting you but what I know is: you will always be my reason to smile even when you pinch me and devour your nails into my skin, jump on me from behind, put a tiny living ant on my hand and laugh loudly when I realise what it is. Even when you ignore my greeting but then call me a ghost followed by your vibrant laughter, I will still be the one to play with you.