Fear of Moving On, Uncertainty & Love

I have overstated my abilities so now I have due work and I just started about two hours ago and I am already having neck pain from sitting down and typing. I shouldn’t have delayed my work nor underestimated the designing work. I am not sure if I will be able to meet the deadline because there is too much to be done and I have other stuff to do. Worst part my lecturer said she expects a lot from my group. I am seriously Taboleh Pakau now. Tomorrow is a big day then I have got an event on Wednesday. That reminds me I have to wake up today at 5 am.

I had a lot of good stuff to say today but I have been hit by stress now. Tomorrow I  will sit with my group mate for 3 hours if she isn’t late to finish their part. I wish everyone knew me as this unreliable and lazy person then they wouldn’t depend on me to get their work done. I wish I was careless and absent minded.

We got our last Academic calendar before we part ways. Everything about 2018 calendar is nostalgic. I will write about it soon and my current favourite people. Thinking about next year always makes me melancholic and crave for all the past moments but we have another year to make memories; our last moments together. I always liked leaving places and things but this upcoming year is awfully depressing due to the fact that I will never get to meet these people after we bid farewell unless I or they make an effort to visit each other. The travelling is expensive Oh this is pure sadness. These people are the ones with whom I share my educational philosophies and goals. We have a countdown though 365 days until I leave this place. I am so familiar with the roads and transportation here. I even know my way around the fifth largest mall in Asia.

New place means starting all over again and forming new relationships. It is really sad. I hate to move on or to even think that I have to make an effort to know the new people in my life. My heart will be broken again and again before I find the right people. I will have to learn about the new environment and locality and which train to take and the cheapest and the less time consuming route to my house from malls, supermarkets, field visits, clinics and restaurants.

Sorry I wanted to be positive but how can I when my heart is attached to these people? Why do I have to leave and why do they have to leave? For the better.

The heart is grieving and the eyes are sad but we shall be hopeful that distance doesn’t become a wall between our souls. I shall pray that I don’t forget my effort in building such caring and helpful relationships and I shall pray that when I am hurt I can remember there were people in my life who were extremely kind to me once. Alhamdulillah for everything.

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Long Time No See

I know I have been MIA from personal posts and it has been almost 3 months since I deactivated my IG. I don’t think I am going back anytime soon but here I am almost was about to get a panic attack because I lost my beach pictures. The real beach not the Jeddah one; the kind of beach you see on TV. The blue ones with sand, the breeze and banana boats. Alhamdulillah my friend’s sister kept them.

I have been really off from my public accounts because I am giving the outside world more time I guess and lots of Whatsapp texting. Apparently I just had my first Whatsapp video call last night and he liked me at first sight. My friend was like he is reluctant to talk to people he doesn’t know but he was genuinely playing peekabo with me. It was hilarious coz I didn’t know in India they say ”Ta” instead of ”Peekabo” so I was playing that with him on video chat. He was like ”Ta.” He can say where Allaah is and make sounds of cat, dogs and cows. He is one year and 3 months old.

Bonding with two babies under two in one day. Talk about being an Early Childhood Teacher. The other baby I bonded was a girl. She is eight months old and her temperament is slow to warm up so my trick was to just make a few mouth sounds and she was mine. Oh yeah she took my phone as well but her Mom made her give back to me. Such an obedient child. She was laughing towards me but I didn’t carry her because I wanted to give her some time to soften up to me. I was a stranger after all whose eyes were only visible.

I went to my first tournament here. Sports is just a waste of time unless it is horse back riding, swimming and archery. But mine was none of them. Believe me I got really invested in the game when the professionals were playing and I was defensive about my team. Oh yeah, there were a bunch of children under 4 years old playing with their jersey and we were all watching them. I bet their parents thought we were weird but one of the Moms made her son greet us. He was shy and cute. May Allaah bless all these children.

My friend got me a really cute and small notebook from her trip to Japan. I am thinking of giving it to Mr. Y. If you have read my IG posts back in June, you would be familiar with Mr. Y. Last time he insisted I give him piggy back rides. When the guy you like asks from you something, you give it to him. If I talk about being professional educator I cannot gift Mr. Y knowing that his friends will also want and that would be biasness from my end. When you have to choose between love and right; not my favorite thing to do. I think I will just keep it for myself, it is the first time someone gifted a materialistic thing here other than food.

Mr. Y really brightens up my day but to meet him I have to ask for official permission. He does make this world a better place to live for me and all the people he touched his tiny heart with.

Mr. Y, I don’t know when we will have our last meeting and when they will stop me from meeting you but what I know is: you will always be my reason to smile even when you pinch me and devour your nails into my skin, jump on me from behind, put a tiny living ant on my hand and laugh loudly when I realise what it is. Even when you ignore my greeting but then call me a ghost followed by your vibrant laughter, I will still be the one to play with you.

Loss

Thursday, 13th July 2017

There are certain times that a person feels truly at loss. Today is one of those days. I am writing to you from my couch staring at the dawn light and almost seeing a ray of hope. Sometimes you try several times to fix your own mistake but it doesn’t work. Last night spent staring at the ceiling at my friend’s place who gave me a pillow and a blanket to get through the dark night. My life once so beautifully planned crumbled in just ten minutes and I am really dreading to make the breakfast. I strongly feel like I want to sleep through this entire day. I have had enough of people, misfortune, me trying to fix something and making it worse and most of all no help. 

Almost A Year Here

Before it is officially a year here I would like to make a blog post. I have written several ones prior to this but I didn’t feel 100% about posting them. So this is my last attempt.

Today I was just looking around my room and it is the Continue reading

How Much is Too Much Sharing Online?

When do you decide to draw a line? I have been struggling with it for the past three years since I have started this blog and my public IG account. There are days that I just want to disappear no joke but when I see that my viewers have been coming here for Islamic knowledge and clicking on all those links that lead to Continue reading